Year 4 Blog

Year 4 Blog

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Here you will find weekly information for Sycamore and Maple Classes.

Pirates of the kiwibean

JulyPosted by Year 4 Wed, July 12, 2017 09:44:20
Pirates of the kiwibean

"Oi!" Captain Kiwi screamed at the Rat king.He was stealing the goat of the gods.He was vein and short tempered,but he had a trick up his feathers, and it's a Aztec blowdart. Fire!!! He screamed excitedly at the crew. The Rat king was no more,or so captain Kiwi thought. Shockingly,he found poor Abagale Albatross had been shot by the tranquilliser dart and was out cold, gently drifting across the sea."Albatross over board!!!" He screamed at the crew.Luckily, she was out of the sea and breathing, but she was nauseous.

by Rudy

Fill in only if you are not real

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Posted by SweetPuppies Fri, July 14, 2017 10:13:59

WWW:You added great names and added words to do with the story line well done IBI: Try and add more describing words

Posted by laila Fri, July 14, 2017 09:54:38

Great piece of work!

Posted by Fin Fri, July 14, 2017 09:52:09

This is a fantastic piece of writing!

Posted by Pizzatiger Fri, July 14, 2017 09:39:33

WWW. Very funny and I want to read on EBI. Make sure to put a space before 'Luckily'. Fab story!

Posted by Cheese panda Fri, July 14, 2017 09:37:06

WWW- I liked how you used she was nauseous EBI- instead of saying excitedly he screamed at the crew you could put furiously he screamed at the crew

Posted by Mint dolphin Fri, July 14, 2017 09:36:00

WWW( what went well) I like that you have used a range of punctuation EBI( even better if) you put a space befor you put the full stop

Posted by Pastafish Fri, July 14, 2017 09:35:04

i like your vocabulary but you could improve your punctuation.

Posted by Puddingzebra Fri, July 14, 2017 09:34:39

Www- I like the twist on Pirates of the carabean Ebi- try making a bit more sense

Posted by Appletiger Fri, July 14, 2017 09:33:19

WWW: I think that you great adjectives and some very good names. EBI: It would of been better if you made the ending a little bit better by it being a cliffhanger or it being exiting etc.

Posted by AppleFlamingo Fri, July 14, 2017 09:31:01

Hi Rudy. I liked your embedded clause. You could improve your ending a bit. Well done.

Posted by Chowder owl Fri, July 14, 2017 09:30:43

WWW (what went well) you have made this story quite funny, you have used a variety of punctuation . EBI (even better if) you leave a space after the full stop.

Posted by Chocofish Fri, July 14, 2017 09:28:46

It was a really good story but there was one little mistake. On the second line, captain kiwi shouted fire but you forgot to put the inverted comers

Posted by PancakePanda Fri, July 14, 2017 09:28:44

WWW: I like the adjectives that describe Captain Kiwis feelings. EBI: try making the "goat of the gods" a little more intimidating or adding something different

Posted by Sugar leopard Fri, July 14, 2017 09:28:11

Www- I like the use of rats and vocab EBI-put more inverted commas

Posted by WaterTiger Fri, July 14, 2017 09:27:43

WWW: I like your use of vocabulary, it made your writing more powerful. EBI: To improve your writing, replace the I, he's and thens with powerful openers.

Posted by Spaghetti kitten Fri, July 14, 2017 09:22:46

WWW- I like your vocabulary and your adjectives you used to describe Captain Kiwi's temper . Ebi- You forgot to put the inverted commas on Fire.

Posted by Popcornfish Fri, July 14, 2017 09:21:49

A entertaining piece of work also a adventures story but could you improve your punctuation a little.

Posted by Icecreamtiger Fri, July 14, 2017 09:19:57

WWW: you have a imagigination and the story is great but i don't really know what it's about EBI:It would be better if I knew what the story was about

Posted by Mashbee Fri, July 14, 2017 09:19:11

Www-the idea of the story Ebi- you could of included more adjectives

Posted by Biscuitbear Fri, July 14, 2017 09:18:42

WWW: This is a funny story- EBI: you didn't leave a space after a full stop, and you could have improved your ending.

Posted by Jellyspider Fri, July 14, 2017 09:18:23

What went well- The the first sentence really got me interested into your writing. Even better if- you could change he was stealing the goat of the gods to something different that would make more sense.

Posted by Pie spider Fri, July 14, 2017 09:17:31

WWW: great range of vocabulary EBI: you could ad a bit more to he was nauseous at the end

Posted by TacoLion Fri, July 14, 2017 09:16:27

WWW: I like the adjectives you used EBI: Where it says Fire!!!, you didn't put inverted commas, it should look like this, "Fire!!!"

Posted by Mrs Boyce Thu, July 13, 2017 13:03:25

Hi Rudy, I really enjoyed reading your Pirates of the Kiwibean. I liked the names you chose. Good work this week. Mrs Boyce Ireland.

Posted by Hamburgerfrog Thu, July 13, 2017 09:56:03

WWW- I think you have used some really good adjectives. EBI- I think the ending could of made the ending a little bit more exciting.

Posted by Tahiki Wed, July 12, 2017 22:45:57

Heh funny and entertaining for one hundred words